Pandemic/cancer update (long story short):

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​I'm from New York, but I was one of those people who ended up stuck in a different place during the beginning of the pandemic. Then something else tragic happened that kept me in Virginia and I decided to stay and do most of my recovery there until March of 2023. At the beginning of the pandemic, when things in New York were horrible, I was in the process of finally moving my practice from the suburbs into Brooklyn, as well as looking for a new home there. But because of the lockdown and things just not being safe, I decided to stay in an airbnb while I looked online for a new office and a new home. I honestly thought that it would just be for a month and everything would be safe soon. But as you all know, the pandemic has lasted much longer than that.

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All of the air bnb places were getting filled up; there were riots, not just peaceful protests happening in New York, which just made being there even scarier along with the pandemic. So I ended up having to look for one further away from home and I ended up in Virginia. As the pandemic kept going on, I decided to stay put in Virginia until things became safe. So I rented a new home there and 4 weeks later, I was literally dying in my new apartment. (Much of the graphic details are on my social media, mainly Instagram). Eventually, I found out that it was because I had cancer. I lived 3 minutes up the road from VCU hospital and the Massey Cancer Center. If I had moved into Brooklyn when I had planned to, no ambulance would've either gotten to me in time, or gotten me to a hospital in time with all of the traffic in Brooklyn. So ending up in Virginia (which I didn't like at all) was a blessing in disguise. My only friend there at the time, dropped everything and got me to the hospital 25 minutes after I called her, which saved my life, as I literally had less than 10 minutes left to live.

 

After my dogs, Ty and Tini, passed away, along with some other traumatic things that had happened, I had severe PTSD, I was guilt ridden over the mistakes that I had made in my life and beating myself up terribly. So after my boys passed away, I started traveling the world, visiting animal sanctuaries, the local strays and seeing new places, etc. This was very comforting to me and really helped me to cope with the loss. But the PTSD and the guilt were still eating me alive. When this happens, it doesn't matter how physically healthy you are. Everyone was in total shock when they found out that I had almost died from cancer, because I was the healthiest person that they knew (physically). But when your mental and emotional bodies are completely thrown off by severely traumatic things, homeostasis in your body is gone, and then your immune system becomes compromised; and all of the things that it's fighting off every single day can take over. Like cancer cells. And thats what happened to me. My own mind made me sick. I also had an infection that I didn't know about and because my immune system had become so compromised, it turned into cervical cancer.

 

I consistently betrayed myself. I endured unhealthy things in my childhood from my mother, became conditioned, my siblings and I were never allowed to implement healthy boundaries or ever defend ourselves, so I spent most of my adulthood not setting them or even knowing how to. So, up until I was 40, I wasn't kind to myself mentally and emotionally. I was a people pleaser and just gave and gave to others while neglecting how I felt. I was too nice to others in many situations, but not to myself, even though I truly wanted a happy life, I just didn't know the right way to have that. When I finally had enough and said, "No more.", cancer also stepped in and took my boys away in the worst ways possible and then it also hit me. It was an awful blessing in disguise and helped me to become a healthy person in my mental and emotional bodies. The person who was underneath all of the conditioning, but didn't know how to get out of it until tragedies hit.

 

Being away from home during a global pandemic, being isolated from loved ones and not being able to do all of the things that I love to do, the things that were helping me to cope with the losses, didn't help. That just made the cancer worse. I had been feeling extremely lethargic for 10 months (because the life was being sucked out of me). 5 months into feeling like that, the pandemic happened and because things were so terrible in New York at the time, when I was feeling really lethargic and wanted to go to the hospital, like many others, I didn't. So the cancer progressed to a point where certain things became irreversible. I stayed positive and strong the entire time that I was going through absolute agony and hell physically over the next couple of years and I'm now in the "repair phase". Did I have a few breakdowns? Of course. I still can't believe what I had to endure.

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I could handle "regular stress" and overcame childhood issues, and taught people how to do that as well, no problem, but this PTSD was a completely different issue. Even the strongest of us, could be brought to our knees from it. I'm a vegan and eat really healthy, I exercised my entire life, both of which helped me to stay alive when I was dying in the hospital, but they weren't enough to prevent the cancer. Your mental and emotional health are just as important as your physical health. They're all connected. I went through absolute hell over the last few years, and it's a miracle that I'm alive. But I'm now cancer free and feel so much peace inside.

 

As horrible as everything was, as devastated as I was from all of the tragedies that have happened within the last 3 - 4 years, and having gone through everything physically alone, away from home during a global pandemic, so much good has come from everything! I've become more and more of who I always wanted to be and who I always should've been, if I had listened to my intuition; which the loss of my boys and the cancer taught me.

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I'm very lucky that through all of this I've had a wonderful, loving support system from all over the world. I couldn't see everyone because of the pandemic, but they sent so much love and support from afar every single day, which really helped me to recover. In the last year, I've started to spend more time with people, and now that I'm well and in the "repair phase" of the cancer journey, I'm happy to be a support for other people again, but with even more wisdom because of the tragedies that I've endured and overcome. I've gone through so much sadness and pain, but the scars of that are meant to stay with me just as a reminder; and everything that I learned from them has brought me to a place of so much peace; it's amazing! I credit my boys for that. What they taught me in their lives and deaths, saved my life. And even though I was "strong" before, it was nothing compared to the true strength that I discovered inside of me. And more importantly, how much wiser I am now. In most cases, illnesses happen to actually help us, not to kill us.

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Stories and updates about the cancer journey are mainly Instagram account for anyone who's interested or for those who are going through their own cancer battle. I've been very open about all of it. Below is a link to my personal Instagram account. There are three highlight folders labeled "healing" which have most of the updates.

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@Shabana51878

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https://www.instagram.com/shabana51878/​

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